


Between Always and Never

by 6_impossiblethings



Category: Red White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Inspired by Call Me By Your Name, M/M, Self-Discovery, Summer Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:54:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27238369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/6_impossiblethings/pseuds/6_impossiblethings
Summary: Precocious 21 year old Alex Claremont-Diaz enjoys spending summer's at his family's lake house in Texas. Each summer his family selects a graduate student as a house guest. This summer, Henry, shows up full of promise, but he and Alex don't exactly get along. Meeting Henry forces Alex to come to grips with things about himself he never understood or realized before.____________________Call Me By Your Name AU
Relationships: Alex Claremont-Diaz/Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor, Ellen Claremont/Leo, June Claremont-Diaz/Nora Holleran
Comments: 18
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

Alex snuck onto the balcony to watch as the summer graduate student arrived at his parent’s lake house in Texas. The student selected for the summer would receive help writing their thesis in exchange for helping around the house. It used to be exciting for Alex - he and June would have someone new to entertain them all summer. He now realized that after the first few days, the students would usually go off on their own and leave Alex and June behind.

At this point, the whole ordeal was vaguely annoying. 

With June now in LA working as a journalist, he was stuck at home playing host to whatever scholar they had selected this year. He also had to vacate his room for the summer and return to his childhood bedroom down the hall. He argued every year against it now that he was fully grown, but his mother insisted saying they had the standard of southern hospitality to uphold.

Whoever this Henry was, Alex could only hope he’d be different than the last few houseguests they had hosted. 

Three summers ago, they hosted a student named Jeff, who had made one too many racist jokes particularly about Mexicans. Alex wasn’t sure if he thought they’d be funny, but just the thought of the man put a sour taste in his mouth. Two summers ago, they hosted a student named Spencer. He had been pretty cool, but he started dating Alex’s former best friend about halfway into his time in Texas. Alex was happy his old friend had found someone he cared so much for, but it was definitely awkward when he caught them fooling around in his house. Last summer, they had an eccentric student named Pez. He had been one of Alex’s favorite residents to date. Every moment he spent hanging out with Pez was unlike any other. Their six weeks of time had passed too quickly. So when Pez recommended they take his friend next, the Claremont’s agreed without hesitation. 

Whoever this Henry was, he had big shoes to fill.

Alex heard someone walking up behind him and turned to see Nora standing there.  “Spying already?” she whispered to him. 

Alex shook his head and watched a green car roll up their long pebbled driveway. It pulled up just in front of the house, the door opened, and a tall blonde man stepped out. He was wearing a blue shirt, sandals, and sunglasses. He collected his bags and waved to the driver as he called out, “Later!” 

He wondered if Henry had managed to make friends on the drive from the airport. If the man was anything like Pez, he would have already exchanged numbers and had plans for later this summer. His instincts told him though that Henry would be different. 

“He looks hot,” Nora commented. 

Her voice shook him from his thoughts. He stood and began descending the stairs, knowing if he wasn’t there to greet Henry, his mother would lecture him later.

He and Nora made it to the living room just as Henry placed his things down. His mother was pointing out some of the research work she and Leo were currently working on. When she looked up and saw him, she exclaimed, “Oh sugar, there you are. Henry, this is my son. Alex, Henry. Henry, Alex.”

Henry took a few steps towards him and extended out his hand. Somehow, even just that movement seemed so graceful, Alex almost forgot to stick his hand out. 

“Nice to meet you,” Henry said once they’d dropped their hands. When Alex pulled his hand back, it almost felt as if it had been burned. He made a fist and moved his arm behind his back. He also didn’t realize Henry would have an accent. Alex knew he was from England, so he should’ve known, but still, it was distracting. It felt so out of place among the southern draw he was so used to around Texas. Honestly, it irritated Alex a little - people must think Henry as someone so “refined” and “polished” with a British accent and attractive features. 

Doing his best to play nice, Alex offered, “I can show you where your room is.”

Henry nodded, “Sure, thanks.”

He turned around and retracted his steps up the wooden staircase. Alex’s temporary room was the first door to the left of the stairs. They passed his door and their adjoining bathroom before reaching what was now Henry’s room.

Alex threw open the door and guided them inside. “Welcome to your room. Which is my room every other time of the year except these six weeks.”

“How kind of you to share.” 

“Just saying, if you don’t like it, you can take the twin bed down the hall.”

That’s when Alex noticed that Henry was annoyingly, several inches taller than him. Henry was more built than he was too by the looks of it. Even though Alex had spent years playing lacrosse, his lean muscles still made him look slighter than most guys.

Henry chucked and flopped face down onto Alex’s bed. Alex thought he said, “Ah, this is amazing,” but it came out sort of muffled. 

“Yeah, enjoy,” Alex replied. When it was clear Henry planned on napping, Alex left him there. He went downstairs, grabbed his bike, and rode towards the nearby town. He wanted to map out where he could show Henry. He usually showed the students around during their first few days. He wondered which places Henry would like the most. Alex was also curious if Henry would hang out with him more since they were about the same age. That and Alex still talked to Pez on a regular basis, so at least he had something in common with Henry.

Pez had assured Alex that he would really like Henry and that he is “a blast”. That didn’t say much though as Pez was always painting people in their best light.

When he returned from biking, he helped Leo prepare dinner for everyone. His mother wasn’t much of a cook, so he and Leo usually switched off. Alex had planned to make ribs for Henry’s first night here. It was the perfect way to welcome someone to Texas. 

Ellen called Henry down from his room and they all took their places. Alex watched Henry gently pick up a rib and study the different sides. He guessed Henry hadn’t had them before, so he got his attention before demonstrating how to tear right into them. 

When they were done eating, Alex looked up to the sight of Henry with barbecue sauce smeared over his left cheek. 

Gauging how much light was left, he decided to offer to show Henry some of the nearby town. Henry agreed and they grabbed two bikes and rode off. Alex pointed out where all the main shops were - the post office, barber shop, bars, ice cream parlor, and the book store. He noted that Henry paid extra attention to the book shop. Henry didn’t say anything, or ask to go in, so Alex let it slide. 

After all, there was one more final place he wanted to take Henry to. He called it “To die for”. There was a small hill nearby that overlooked the lake and the houses lined up on the shore. During the golden hour, it was truly magnificent. There was nothing like watching this little town turn into something magical. 

He started explaining where they were heading to Henry and asked if he wanted to go. Alex expected him to agree, but instead, Henry said, “Later, maybe.”

The phrase made Alex feel like a bucket of ice water had been thrown over him. Hadn't they been having a good time? Was Henry bored with Alex already? He didn't even know anyone else in town yet and already he wanted to ditch Alex. It frustrated him more than he wanted to admit. 

He looked like someone Alex could grow to like - with his blonde hair, blue eyes, and rounded chin. In a few days though, Alex would learn to hate him. This man, whose application Alex remembered stood out with immense promise of talent among the rest.

He wasn’t sure if he was feeling rejected or pissed that one of Alex’s favorite things was just trivialized. He wanted to argue that it was worth seeing. He wanted to push Henry to do it anyways. Instead, he just let Henry bike back towards their house. 

He was fuming by the time he had reached the top of the hill. He had a list of theories as to why Henry didn’t want to come. He wondered what Pez saw that Alex was clearly missing. 

He tried to let it all go as he watched the sun begin to set over the lake. Henry was truly missing out on such a beautiful site. 

Alex thought it would be a difficult few weeks sharing the house together. It would be safer perhaps to stay away and mind his own business. After all, he had plenty of things to do to occupy his time aside from learning more about their student. Definitely all better alternatives than hearing “later, maybe,” said to him again.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 in honor of today being the end of the RWRB timeline!

It was quickly apparent to Alex that he and Henry had, perhaps more in common than he had with any previous student. Even though he was determined to dislike and ignore Henry before he found other people in the town he liked better, he couldn’t ignore his desire to hear Henry’s opinion. 

It had come up in the dinner during one of their first nights. Alex went off on a rant about Plato's ethics and the Republic. He was used to having Leo and Ellen just nod and agree with him, but for the first time, the conversation didn’t stop there. Henry watched Alex carefully the entire time before challenging him with thoughtful responses. 

They debated all night over the merits of various classic authors and political figures. Alex argued with him about everything and anything. It was thrilling. He felt like for the first time, someone matched him in a way. Someone understood his thoughts almost better than Alex himself. 

He almost missed Henry’s careful compliments about how impressive it was for Alex to know all of this. 

Alex thought that his one dinner was changing things between them. Suddenly, they grew in the habit of going on morning runs together. They would go around the lake, into town, through the nearby trails, really wherever.

After their runs, sometimes they would swim in the lake by the house. Other days, Alex would go play on his guitar and listen to music while Henry would attempt to write his thesis. One day, Alex was plucking away at his guitar before he realized Henry had been glaring at him, perhaps in annoyance as it disrupted his work. Or at least, he thought so. It was hard to tell - with Henry laying in the glass with sunglasses on. Henry, realizing he had been caught, gave Alex a smile.

He stopped playing immediately and shifted to move from the area. 

“No, wait. Play it again?” he heard Henry call over.

“But I thought you hated it?”

“Hate it? Why would I hate it? Just play the same one.”

Alex tried to argue back, but he eventually gave in. He played through the next bit of the song before stopping abruptly. He waved for Henry to follow him. He went back into the house and through a series of rooms before waltzing over to the piano. Alex plopped down on the bench and began to play.

“That’s not the same. What did you do to it?”

Henry was leaning against the door intently watching Alex’s next move. Honestly, Alex was impressed he had picked up on the subtle differences in the music.

“I just played it the way Liszt would have.” He tried to make it seem casual. As if Alex played complex music all the time. He wanted to prove again to Henry that they were on par.

“Just play it again please!”

Alex smiled at Henry’s dramatic reaction. It didn’t last long before Henry cut him off, “I can’t believe you changed it again!”

“Well, not by much. This is just how Busoni would’ve played it if he had altered Liszt’s version.”

Henry dragged his hands through his hair in frustration, “Can’t you just play Bach’s version?”

“But Bach didn’t write it for the guitar. He may not have even written it for the harpsichord. We’re not even sure that it’s Bach at all.”

Henry turned away and called out, “Forget I asked.” 

“Okay, okay. No need to get so worked up.” 

Alex began carefully playing the version Henry had wanted all along. He’s not sure what pushed him to play the other versions first. All he had learned from this interaction was that he liked having Henry’s attention on him. He just needed to learn how to brace himself for when the inevitable, “later, maybe” happened.

Later that evening, Alex kept replaying the scene over and over again. He kept thinking about how he thought Henry still might’ve hated him or at least disliked him up until today. But he wasn’t so certain that Henry’s rudeness wouldn’t just return tomorrow. He wanted to believe that they could be friends, but it felt impossible for some reason. He couldn’t figure out where these feelings were coming from, but Alex felt deeply unsettled by his neighbor’s presence. 

At first, he thought Henry was arrogant and unapproachable. Now, even though he wanted to ignore Henry, he would drop everything to play exactly what Henry wanted. He would forgo nights out with his friends to listen to Henry talk about his thesis. Something about Henry drew him in and Alex hated it. He wanted to put distance between them, but he just couldn’t.

Later on in the week, Henry had agreed to play soccer against some of the boys that lived down the street from Alex. They met at the nearby fields and played a few games. The Texas sun forced them into taking a few breaks. Towards the end of their pick up scrimmage, Alex pulled out a bottle of gatorade and began to drink from it. Henry came up next to him and placed his arm around Alex. He squeezed Alex’s shoulder and Alex shivered at the contact. The whole thing felt like Henry was trying to be all chummy, but really it was off putting for some reason. He quickly stepped away from Henry.

When he looked over, he swore there was a flash of emotion over Henry’s face before he began apologizing. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Can I help at all?”

Alex knew it was dumb, but he couldn’t stop himself from blurting out, “It didn’t hurt.”

If it didn’t hurt, how else would he explain his reaction? He just continued pretending the rest of the time that it did in fact hurt and he was trying to hide it. 

Henry kept looking over at Alex. He tried to turn his attention back towards the other guys, but he saw Henry step closer to him again. 

“Here, let me make it better.”

Alex felt Henry’s hands on him again. Massaging his back gently. Alex so badly wanted to lean back into the touch of Henry’s warm hands. They felt too good on him as they rid the tension in Alex’s back. 

“You’re so tense. You need to relax more.”

“I am relaxing,” Alex bickered back.

They argued back and forth for a few more moments before Alex fully gave in. He let Henry take over. He tried to wonder what the true intention was here - did Henry want to expose Alex or something? Had he really believed he injured Alex and was trying to help? 

Did Henry realize that the initial touch had sparked something in Alex? He tried to compare it to the excitement he felt the first time he fooled around with his ex, Maria. They didn’t feel the same, so he wasn’t sure what this was. 

All he knew was that he liked the challenge Henry brought. He could never guess what the other man was up to. He liked watching him play soccer today. Seeing grass stains on his skin and the redness of his cheeks. It made Henry feel more real to him somehow. 

He wondered what Henry would do if he knew why Alex reacted like that. Did Alex want Henry to do anything? Would Henry even be tempted to act? His mind kept spinning and he honestly quite preferred this game between them. The not knowing was thrilling him. He mused about what Henry really meant by “later, maybe”. Did Henry want him to think it’s a no, when really it meant yes? Did that mean please just ask me again once more?

Alex really had no clue.

Even after hanging out, he felt that Henry would disappear for days. He would catch glimpses of him - a finished breakfast plate in the sink before Alex even got up, spotting him leave for a run without Alex, or just a place setting at dinner being taken away when Henry was staying out late.

Some days though, they sat out together for hours. Alex cherished the days where he would walk outside, sit at his table under the umbrella, and look over to see Henry laying by the pool working on his paper. They sat like this quite often as Henry claimed he needed company to work while Alex just preferred sitting outside. 

Sometimes they would talk, sometimes they wouldn’t. Alex tried to feign indifference towards Henry, but usually his curiosity won out. 

Once he called over to ask if Henry was sleeping as the boy was laying on his back with a baseball hat covering his face.

There was a pause before Alex heard a muffled, “I was.”

Not wanting to bother him, Alex kept quiet.

“Alex?” he heard Henry call out moments later.

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Reading.”

“No, you’re not.” It came out teasing, but still Alex was slightly embarrassed to be caught openly staring at Henry.

“Thinking then.” 

“About what?” He had no idea why Henry even wanted to know. 

“Private,” Alex insisted. He was dying to tell Henry, but at the same time, he would never bring himself to. How exactly did you go about telling someone, I have all these feelings for you that I think should be labeled as “I want”? He couldn’t tell how he wanted Henry or even if he really wanted Henry. Or if he just wanted that easy attitude of someone who knows themselves. Someone so sure in themselves they cant get Alex’s whole family and even the entire town to adore him in days.

“So you won’t tell me?”

“So I won’t tell you.”

Henry echoed him, “So he won’t tell me,” as if there was someone else around to tell this to. He declared he was going back to sleep then.

Alex attempted to return to his book but got distracted with the sun glinting off of Henry’s hair. He finally managed to complete a page when Henry opened the conversation back up by saying, “This is heaven.”

With a loud sigh, Henry got up and went back to working on his paper. They worked side by side in silence until Henry stopped and called Alex over.

“Listen to this. Just read this drivel,” Henry complained as he handed over the pages. “Does it make any sense to you? Not to me.”

Henry scrubbed a hand over his face in frustration. Alex carefully read over the page before answering, “Maybe it did when you wrote it.”

Henry stilled for a moment and turned to look directly at Alex. “That’s the kindest thing anyone’s said to me in months,” Henry stated with complete seriousness.

“Kind?” Alex asked.

“Yes, kind.”

He wasn’t sure what kindness had to do with it. Henry’s thoughts were just impressive and his words were captivating. Every point he argued was such a unique outlook on anything else Alex had seen before. He let the matter slide though. 

Afternoons like that made Alex pray time would stop. That they could continue living in these perfect moments together. That Henry wouldn’t have to leave and they could just always be sitting by his pool discussing everything and anything.

Their tentative friendship made Alex contemplate their whole relationship. Did he just want this friendship? Did they even have friendship? Or was something else going on here that Alex was totally unaware of? He wished he could understand what he wanted from Henry exactly. He did know this - it was more than enough just to be able to look out and see Henry there, laying in the grass, in his red bathing suit and black baseball cap, just relaxing. He would dread the day when Alex would look up and Henry would be gone.


	3. Chapter 3

One of the few activities besides swimming, running, and playing soccer included going to the outdoor bar and club Le Danzing. Now that Alex was 21, he enjoyed going all the time. Some nights he would go with just Nora, and others he would go with an entire group. Sometimes Henry would tag along and other times he would go with his own group. Some nights, Alex would wonder if Henry would appear at all, and when he didn’t Alex tried to ignore that feeling of unease. Then his thoughts turned to where Henry was and which girl Henry was with that night.

On this particular night, Alex went with Nora and a few others that lived near them. The group had hung out earlier that day by the lake. Katie, a girl a few months younger than Alex, had been smitten with Henry. It was quite obvious to their entire group that she was attracted to him.

The entire day she had followed him around and at one point, they laid in the grass together with her legs overtop his legs. Alex turned his attention from the scene when it had happened - something about it felt too personal to observe. 

Even though Henry wasn’t with them on the way to the bar, she would talk of nothing else. She had asked Alex three times on their ten minute walk if Henry had texted him yet. It was painfully obvious she wanted him.

They all grabbed a table near the dance floor before Alex and Hunter walked over to get drinks. They ordered a bunch for the table and brought it all back. Alex studied the area and noticed Henry wasn’t there. Katie must be disappointed, Alex thought.

After two drinks, Alex and the group got up to dance. It must’ve been at least an hour of dancing before Alex decided he needed a break and another drink. They moved back to their table as they worked on downing their drinks to quickly return to the dance floor.

Katie must not have given up hope because she looked up at the entryway and squealed. Alex watched as she pulled out a compact mirror and fixed her makeup. Within minutes, she had made her way over to Henry and embraced him in a hug.

Alex was helpless to watch her drag him to the dance floor. Even though the rest of his group got up, Alex stayed to watch Katie and Henry. It was undeniable the chemistry the two had as he spun her around the dance floor. He wanted to look away, but something about it held his attention. 

Once the song changed to “Get Low” however, Alex jumped out of his seat. He searched for Nora in the crowd and began dancing wildly with her. She grinded on him shortly before they both dropped it low. Alex and Nora screamed the lyrics into the vibrating crowd. 

Everyone Alex knew enjoyed dancing to this song. It made him nostalgic for those lame middle school dances, but now he enjoyed just going all out.

He whipped around after a spin move and looked up to see Henry staring at him. Henry was doing some “jumping in place” dancing with all of his focus on Alex. He felt his cheeks heat in a blush before he tried to dance away from Henry. Really, all he wanted to do was go over and force Henry to dance freely like him. 

He found Nora and kissed her on the cheek when the song ended. 

“Do you want to get out of here?” Alex whispered in her ear.

She nodded, reached for his hand, and they headed for the exit.

They wandered back towards their respective houses, but first Alex took them on a detour. He stopped by a small river that leads into the lake all the houses are built around. The giggling pair stumbles through the walkway towards the water. Alex tries to shush Nora, but they just laugh harder and harder.

He finally finds a rock big enough for them to sit on and pulls her onto his lap.

He gives her forehead a kiss and she pulls back from him. In the moonlight, Alex can tell she’s studying him. Eventually she asks, “Are you with me just because you’re upset?”

“No, why would I be upset?”

“Because of him.”

Alex didn’t know what she meant, but frankly, he didn’t care. Nora was smart, beautiful, and funny. They had known each other for years and Alex had always admired her. If she thought it was for any other reason, she was mistaken.

He leaned in to kiss her and put all of those emotions into it. He wanted Nora to know how wonderful she was. Alex had probably always had a crush on Nora. They’d grown up together and she’d always been this amazing person. She was one of June’s close friends and had grown up besides them. She's always been a steady presence of comfort in his life. She was supportive, loyal, and brilliant.

The kiss warmed Alex from the inside before they broke apart. Alex reached for her hand and intertwined their fingers together. They wandered by the water for a bit before Nora suggested they skinny dip in the lake. 

They swam around and made out in the lake before Nora called it a night. He walked her back to her house before doubling back for his own. Alex was mostly sober by now. Once he reached his house, curiosity over where Henry was flooded him. Henry’s bedroom light was off, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t made it back before Alex.

Alex crept upstairs and went into their bathroom. Their bedrooms shared an adjoining door, so he slowly pushed open the door to the other bedroom. The moon shined brightly enough that night so Alex could see that the bed was empty. He felt his stomach flip as he realized that Henry hadn’t made it home. He debated sending him a text, but he knew it would go unanswered since Henry was obviously with someone.

He gently shut the door and flipped on the shower. With Henry gone, no reason to worry about being noisy. He finished cleaning up before flopping on his bed. 

As much as he wanted to pass out, his mind wouldn’t let it go. Where was Henry? Was he with Katie? Did that mean Alex had lost Henry to Katie? The questions went on and on. It was hard to deny his want for Henry with his mind spinning like this. Except, Alex still had difficulty defining what that meant exactly.

Just then, he heard the bathroom sink turn on. This meant Henry had returned after all. It helped answer at least one of Alex’s questions. The comforting knowledge was enough to finally lull Alex to sleep.

\------

“She totally would’ve slept with me if I had asked,” Alex announced to Henry and Leo the next morning at breakfast. The words tumbled out of his mouth and Alex hated himself for it. It was potentially true, but Alex felt guilty over saying such a thing about Nora. 

“Well, why didn’t you then?” Henry asked. He was giving Alex an intense glare as if he could see right through his reasoning for this topic.

“Dunno,” Alex replied. 

Henry smirked at him, “Better to have tried and failed.”

He felt his stomach drop when hearing this response. Alex had really wanted to test how Henry would respond to the topic and the answer was clear - cruel mocking. 

“I just needed to have the courage to reach out and touch and she would have agreed.” Alex dramatically sighed. He said that to prevent any further criticism on the topic. He was perfectly capable of administering his own self-deprecating comments, thank you very much.

“Try again later,” was Henry’s response. It felt like an even bigger insult than his first comment. It was further criticism of Alex. Or maybe it was Henry seeing how fake he was. Alex was disgusted in himself for even mentioning it in the first place.

Alex was content to let the topic drop; however, Henry challenged him with, “If not later, when?”

“If not later, when? I like that,” Leo commented. Alex rolled his eyes. Of course, Leo only comments on the conversation to agree with Henry. 

They continued eating their breakfasts in now awkward silence. Alex felt his irritation growing throughout the meal and did his best to keep it to himself. When he was done eating, he would take his things and spend it by himself on a hidden spot by the lake. He just needed to cool off from the animosity he felt coming off from Henry.

When he was getting up, Henry must’ve noticed how Alex’s mood had completely shifted because he said, “I’d definitely try again later and keep trying.” The tone lacked any sort of mocking from before. It was sincere and almost kind looking. Alex flicked his eyes over Henry’s face and saw something that looked like guilt in his expression. So, maybe Henry had felt bad after all.

Either way, Alex wanted to get away from him. He had to let Henry know how indifferent he was to him. 

The whole rest of the morning, Alex sat by the river and listened to music. The words “try again later” became a mantra to him. All he could think of was that he wasn’t ready. Not yet. Maybe at some point he’d gather the courage to do what he needed, but not yet. He would try again later and he would succeed. He would bring Henry closer to him, but not yet - later.


	4. Chapter 4

One afternoon, Henry and Alex were laying by the pool. Neither of them had spoken much today, but everything about the day had been relaxing. He studied the freckles on Henry’s arm and noticed the tan lines slowly fading. The marks of living out in the Texas sun all summer were finally presenting themselves on Henry.

He’s not sure how it came up, but Alex started describing a story from last summer about when he went skinny dipping with Katie and her cousin. Maybe it was a bit too graphic for Henry or something because he told Alex to stop and that he was on the wrong track.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not interested.” Alex wanted to call him out on his lie, but why would Henry lie? Nothing about it made sense. Alex had seen them together - dancing, by the lake, and around town. They clearly had something going on.

“Everyone’s interested.”

Henry turned towards Alex and shook his head. “Maybe, but not me.” 

“But I saw you two,” he questioned.

“What you saw was not your business. I’m not playing this game.” Henry gave him a glare and turned his head away from Alex. 

And now Alex had to go and ruin a perfectly good morning with Henry. “Look, I’m sorry.”

“Maybe you should go out with her.” Henry threw at him. The words were almost smeared at Alex. He wasn’t sure where any of the vitriol was coming from but he wasn’t interested in Katie either. This was the first time Henry had shown any signs of losing self control.

“She wouldn’t want anything to do with me.”

“Would you want her to?” Alex’s mind screamed this was a trap somehow. He wasn’t sure how exactly, but he could tell Henry was using this to piece some part of him together.

“No?” 

Henry taunted him again with, “Are you sure? I know you like her.”

Alex snapped, “You have no idea what I like. None at all.”

He wanted to sound mysterious, but he could tell he sounded like a three year old about to throw a temper tantrum. Why did this always happen when they had a conversation? Alex wanted to smack his own forehead for turning such a nice morning into a wreck. Surely moments like these would just push farther Henry away. 

He wondered if that was the best thing though. Perhaps it was a good thing if Henry believed Alex was jealous of him. If Henry believed Alex wanted Katie. The truth was so much worse. If Henry even suspected it, Alex knew he’d have to do some impressive maneuvering to convince him otherwise. It was safer if Henry thought Alex liked Katie. 

The mantra “if not later, when?” played through his mind again. As much as he may want to know Henry where his true desires lay, it was better for them to remain like this. Alex didn’t think he’d survive it if Henry learned the truth.

Even with days filled with tension filled conversation, the tender moments that erupted between the two made it more difficult for Alex to shake Henry off. The moments filled with kindness and interesting conversation only made Alex more addicted to Henry’s presence. 

One morning, like a clumsy idiot, Alex knocked over an entire cup of coffee all over his table. Luckily, it didn’t ruin any of his papers, but the mug fell to the ground and the liquid went everywhere. Alex cursed and looked around for something to clean it up with. Henry was there in seconds and handed Alex his own towel. He then reached to gently pick up his mug and brushed it off before placing it by Alex’s book.

He wasn’t even sure how Henry had moved so fast. He had been lounging by the poolside. Alex actually thought he had been asleep, but now he was here.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Alex said instead of a thankful. He wanted to slap himself for sounding so rude, but he was shocked by Henry’s actions.

“I know. I wanted to.”

“You wanted to?”

Henry nodded and focused on cleaning the rest of the table. He eventually returned to laying by the pool. The rest of the day, Alex kept his eyes on Henry and wondered how he had seen the scene unfold. He was curious what made Henry spring to action so quickly. And was there some hidden motive here?

Another day, Alex had been reading in the grass next to Henry. The sky had been cloudless and a warm summer breeze surrounded them. He felt himself being watched before Henry finally broke the silence between them. He had asked what Alex was reading. Alex showed Henry the cover of the book before explaining that it was the story of a young knight, who was madly in love with a princess. She was in love with the knight, but she perhaps did not realize it yet despite the friendship between them. Maybe it was that friendship that allowed her to deny her true feelings. The knight finds himself unable to discuss his feelings of love to her until he asks her, “Is it better to speak or die?”

Henry asks what happens after that. “Well, what happens after that? Does he speak or not?”

Alex flips to the next page, “Better to speak, she said. But she’s on her guard and senses a trap somewhere.”

“So does he speak?”

“No, he fudges.”

Henry laughs, “Figures.”

They spent the rest of the day discussing books, music, and philosophy. Alex had never had someone to discuss these things with who actually listened to him for this long. He honestly loved nothing more than hearing Henry rant about things he was passionate about. They were able to have a tension free day. They switched between the pool, the lake, and the house. It was the perfect day.

As he returned to his room alone at night, Alex couldn’t stop thinking. Would he ever be brave enough to ask such a question? Would he ever be able to ask Henry how he felt? Could he ever find the words to articulate how he wanted Henry? Alex still wasn’t sure if he wanted Henry’s body or just his mind or both. Alex wondered who he could even discuss his feelings with. His parents held liberal views, but was it different when it was your own son? He considered telling June, but she’d tell Nora. He hadn’t spoken to Nora since they had kissed after going out the other day. Really, who did that leave but Henry? If he had to tell someone, it would have to be Henry. If he was going to tell Henry, he would need to prepare himself for that cool, cruel glare that he would surely receive in response. 


	5. Chapter 5

One morning, Henry came down from his room to find Alex sitting in his usual spot outside. He slowly approached the table and waited for Alex to look up at him before speaking.

“I have to go into town to pick something up. Would you like to come?”

In the three weeks that Henry had been there, Alex couldn’t remember a time when Henry had invited him somewhere. For this reason alone, he agreed to go. 

Alex was curious why Henry was taking a sudden interest in inviting him anywhere, but he was happy to enjoy the company for now. Perhaps if he is patient, Henry may reveal his intentions. 

They grab their bikes and peddle off into town. 

Alex loved the trail into town. The whole bike path was shaded with large trees towering over them. A river ran alongside them in the distance. The birds sang loudly throughout the day. Once in town, there was a World War II monument dedicated to the Texans who had served. 

“What’s that?” Henry asked as he took one hand off of the bike to point at the statue.

Without answering, Alex peddled over to the monument instead. He waited until Henry followed him before responding.

“This is dedicated to the Texans who served bravely in World War II. Over 750,000 men from this great state went off to war.”

Henry nodded solemnly and looked over the plaque. Alex began giving Henry a detailed and passionate history lesson about some of the highlights. Whenever he passed this spot, he always thought of the men who fought for the rights of others. Thinking of these men always made Alex reflect on how he may want to help others some day. Not in the same field as the military but perhaps as a politician or lawyer. How history might remember him for what he had offered others.

He noticed he was beginning to ramble and began apologizing. Henry leaned closer to Alex though as if he was hanging onto every word. He finally finished his speech and turned away from Henry to look more at the statue. 

“Is there anything you don’t know?” Henry asked. Alex took a pause at this. It wasn’t mocking. It sounded like a compliment, but maybe Henry was quizzing him? 

Alex recognized though that this could be the moment he seizes. He could take the jump like these men did into an uncertain future.

“I know nothing, Henry. Absolutely fucking nothing.”

Alex heard the emotion in his voice. He wanted to make it clear to Henry that they were no longer talking about historical trivia. 

“You know more than anyone else around here,” Henry responded kindly. It only encouraged Alex more.

“If only you knew how little I actually knew about the things that really matter.”

Alex leaned in a little closer as he spoke. There were barely a few inches between them now. He could feel something between them that just drew him closer and closer.

“What things that matter?”

“You know what things. By now you out of anyone else should know what things.” 

Henry’s blue eyes searched his face, and Alex watched as Henry found something in his expression that clarified it all. His expression was now lit up with understanding and an emotion Alex couldn’t quite place. 

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I thought you should know.”

“Because you thought I should know?” Henry questioned.

“I wanted you to know,” Alex admitted. 

Henry took a deep breath before taking a step away from Alex. He moved around the monument and set the kickstand of the bike. Henry walked away and went into the print shop in town. 

Alex didn’t know what it meant. Would they talk more when he came out? Had Henry rejected him somehow without him knowing? Should he have followed Henry? 

Henry reappeared only minutes later holding pages, presumably for his thesis. Alex knew he came down here frequently to get copies of his work. He claimed they were useful to share with Ellen and Leo or marking them up for improvements.

He began shoving them into his bag as he complained, “Jackson said the copier was broken so now I’m behind a day on my work.”

Alex supposed that was it then. Henry was trying to move on from the topic of Alex’s feelings. He, however, wasn’t quite finished. 

“Does this mean we're on speaking terms but not really?” Alex challenged.

Henry straightened and turned to face him, “Look, we can’t talk about these things.”

Alex felt his stomach drop, but he nodded anyways. At least he knew where he stood now. There was no more spirit of hope to keep alive. The only thing keeping his spirits up was the perfect weather they were having. He tried to focus on the scenery as they biked back. How grateful he was that the sun wasn’t terribly hot today.

Suddenly, they came up on a private section of the river that Alex discovered a few years ago. He called for Henry to follow up and he turned to go down the path. He’d never taken anyone with him before, but he wanted to share this place with Henry. 

They rode their bikes until Alex made an abrupt spot right at the edge of the riverbank. Henry’s tires screeched behind him. 

“This is my place,” Alex said with reverence in his voice. This was where he came to be alone. When the rest of the world became too much, Alex could come here and forget it all. He could swim, read, nap, and do whatever he wanted. Not to mention the slow trickle of the river was incredibly relaxing. 

Alex set down his bike and began to walk around the area. From here, it was impossible to see any part of the town nearby. There was no evidence anyone else existed. It was just Alex, Henry, the trees, and the river. 

“This is my spot. All mine for whenever I want to be alone. I can’t tell you how many books I’ve read here.”

They admired the spot for a moment in silence. 

Hesitantly, Henry asked, “Do you like being alone?”

“No no one likes being alone, but I’ve learned to live with it.”

“Are you always this wise?” 

Alex wasn’t sure if this was teasing or a genuine compliment. The way Henry had said it Alex assumed it was meant to be condescending. A comment meant to put distance between them that was rapidly evaporating. Not willing to see any cruelty in his expression, Alex stepped away from Henry and turned to face the water.

“I’m not wise at all. I told you, I don’t know anything. I mean I can play a piano and talk for hours about politics, but that’s about it. I don’t talk about what matters most to me.”

“But you’re doing it right now,” Henry bit back at him.

“Kinda.”

Henry stepped over to bring himself face to face with Alex again. “Why are you always doing that? You’re always putting yourself down. I like how you say things.”

_ Did Henry now want to criticize me for criticizing myself?  _ Alex thought. 

“I don’t know. So you won’t.” The words surprised Alex too. They were undoubtably true, but perhaps, he hadn't realized how much Henry's opinion of him mattered until just now.

“Are you really so worried about what I think?”

“It’s just not easy for me. My parents and June are so gifted. I’ve always felt like the dumb jock of the family. Not to mention that the half Mexican thing really makes strangers think less of me. And here you are, coming from an amazing school, looking like fucking prince charming and everyone likes you.” 

It was silent after Alex’s vulnerable admission. Maybe he had confused Henry with that. He was jealous of Henry in a way, but really, he just wanted to share in who Henry was. He wanted to listen to his thoughts on anything and everything. When Alex talked to Henry, he felt seen. He felt understood in a way he never had with anyone else. 

Alex began to strip off his shirt and then took off his shoes and socks before heading into the river. He wanted to swim a little and try to forget about his admissions. He was glad he knew where he stood at least. Maybe he could move past that now. It would give them a chance to be real friends.

He dunked his head under and when he came back up, he was met with Henry staring at him. He stared back openly. A few moments passed and Henry began to blush, which only encouraged Alex to keep on staring at him. Henry really was beautiful. 

Eventually, Henry shook his head and broke the spell, “Stop that.” He then splashed some water towards Alex.

“Stop what?” Alex asked innocently.

“You’re making things difficult for me.” Henry avoided looking at Henry while he was saying this. 

“What do you mean?”

Alex wasn’t sure where he was going with all of this. Henry hadn’t said no outright to Alex’s advances, but he hadn’t given any indication that he wanted Alex either. And here he was saying Alex was making things complicated. Henry had made everything seem so easy.

“You really don’t know?”

Alex shook his head. Within moments, Henry had sidled up to him. They were closer than they’d ever been before. Henry was studying his face like he wished to memorize every bit of it. Like it was the most mesmerizing thing he’d ever laid eyes on. 

It happened almost in slow motion - Henry bent slightly and then their lips met. They were kissing and Alex felt at peace for once. It was better than anything he could’ve dreamed. He could almost taste Henry’s desire for him and he tried to respond enthusiastically. He could lose himself in a kiss like this. 

When they broke apart, a small smile broke over Henry’s face. “Do you understand now?”

Alex nodded and tried to process what had just happened. Part of him wanted to deny it and hide from it, but the other part wanted nothing more than to do it again. Surely Henry had noticed by now that Alex was slowly surrendering himself. He observed their bodies and noticed the distance Henry still kept between them. Even if he wanted Alex in some way, he still kept careful space between their bodies even while their faces were so close. 

As much as it pained him, he mentally prepared for the rejection that was to come. Alex slowly moved backwards and Henry let him leave.

“I think we should head back,” Henry said quietly. 

“And now we’ll never talk again,” Alex sighed dramatically after saying it. He needed to know where Henry stood now.

“Don’t say that. I’ll stick around,” Henry offered. Alex supposed he had no choice but to take it. His heart still sank anyways. He had expected it, but still hoped that Henry may have changed his mind. 


	6. Chapter 6

All Alex can do is play the kiss back in his mind. 

The rest of the day he’s just replaying the moment their lips meet. He’s thinking of how he wants to do it again. Of where he wants to touch Henry next time. He wonders if Henry will allow there to be a next time.

If he squandered his only chance, Alex is going to do everything to hang onto the feeling of that kiss. 

It was like being on fire. 

He's kissed girls before, but none of them even compared to the intensity of the kiss he had with Henry. It felt like every part of him was opening up to give himself over to Henry. It was over too fast, but he was certain kissing Henry would become addictive if he did it again.

Even though Henry promised him that he’d “stick around,” Alex hadn’t seen him in over two days. Henry perfectly timed his days so that he missed Alex at breakfast, went into town, ate dinner somewhere else, and didn’t come back until odd hours of the night. It shouldn't have bothered Alex. Henry was just a summer guest after all, he tried to remind himself. The persistent feeling of irritation was a sign he had failed however.

He initially assumed Henry was with Katie, but she showed up looking for him. She pestered Alex asking where he was, and he honestly didn’t have a clue. 

Alex was content to sulk around the house. He opened and closed Henry’s contact a few times on his phone as he thought about texting him. All he could think of though was that Henry was letting him down easy. He had already been rejected once and the kiss hadn’t changed that. Maybe they had different definitions of what it meant to stick around.

He was about to turn his phone on airplane mode when he received a text from Nora. She wanted to go into town and check out the new brewery that had opened. Alex was all for it and could certainly use a drink.

He rode his bike towards her house and met her at the end of her driveway. They peddled a few extra minutes and arrived into town. They set their bikes on the rack and went into the bar. Alex marveled at all of the beer options while Nora commented on the decorum. 

The owner clearly had been going for something super Texas and authentic. They had called their brewery, The Alamo (very original) and decorated it with Wild West pieces. It always makes Alex wonder if anyone else realizes there are in fact other historical and noteworthy aspects of Texas. He thought perhaps the owner was really from out of state, but he was doing whatever he could to attract locals.

He ordered a beer claiming to be similar to a Tecate and hoped for the best. Nora ordered a fruity spiked seltzer drink instead of a traditional beer. They began catching up over what they’d been doing over the last few weeks.

One drink turned into two which turned into three and after that Alex lost count.

The room blurred around the edges and Alex felt that warm and happy sensation take over his body from the alcohol. He may have flirted with Nora a bit as she continued to tease him back.

At some point, Nora told Alex that she was going to visit June and that she likely wouldn’t be back the rest of the summer. Something about seeing him only made her miss June. He hadn’t realized how much June and Nora still talked, but apparently enough for Nora to ditch him.

Even though he was happy for the two of them, it still hurt feeling abandoned by his sister and now Nora. She promised over and over again that they would always be friends.

Once they drank enough to make Alex’s head spin, they went their separate ways. Alex wasn’t steady enough to ride the bike back so he walked and pushed it. 

The walk was quiet and made him feel more alone than ever. Perhaps that’s what pushed him to drunk text Henry.

He first typed out  _ You fucking coward I thought you said you’d stick around? _

Too aggressive, he thought. 

He quickly deleted it and wrote  _ I miss you. I need someone to talk to and I want that someone to be you _

He thought that sounded too clingy, so he tried again. This time he typed  _ Can’t stand the silence. Need to speak with you _

He quickly sent it before realizing how dramatic it was. There was no going back now though. 

Alex finished the walk home. He dragged himself into bed and fell asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Alex woke up with a pounding headache, a dead phone, and his clothes thrown about the room. There was an empty plastic water bottle on his nightstand. The sheets were on the floor as if Alex, which Alex must’ve dumped there in his sleep.

He had no idea of what time it was, but it seemed bright enough out.

He desperately wanted to go to sleep again, or shower, or eat something, or drink a pot of coffee. Whatever would get rid of his hangover first. He opted to plug his phone in and trudge down to the kitchen.

Ellen always left out some breakfast for Henry and Alex. He was beyond thankful someone had already put on a pot of coffee too.

He made a plate of food and piled it high with eggs and bacon. He drizzled it all in hot sauce before digging in. 

Leo came to join him and asked how the brewery was. Alex told him about the flight of beers he finished the night off with. Leo seemed interested and told Alex they should go sometime. Alex agreed, but he couldn’t think about drinking anything else at the moment.

He filled Leo in on Nora’s plans to visit June. Leo seemed unsurprised by the news and Alex wondered if he was missing something or if June had already said something.

When Alex was finishing up, Henry had come down to the kitchen. Alex suddenly remembered the texts he had sent and how he had no idea if Henry had replied.

“Hey Leo, I’m going to bike into town, but after lunch I’ll help you and Ellen with the research.”

“Sounds good. Show me the pages you pick up today so we can go over some things.”

“Will do. Later,” Henry waved as he walked out the door.

Alex was sure that meant he had been blown off again. Maybe Henry had been so embarrassed by the text he just was going to pretend it hadn’t happened. It took every bit of effort not to rush to his room to check his phone. Leo probably saw through it, but Alex tried to take his time and seem nonchalant.

The second he left the kitchen, he ran up to his room. He turned on his phone and cursed at how long it was taking.

Finally, it turned on and now he just had to wait for the messages to come through.

Heart pounding, the notification “Henry” 1 new message popped up.

He messed up his passcode twice before unlocking his phone to read the message. Alex cursed himself for not keeping the message preview.

Alex had to read the text several times over to make sure he was seeing things correctly.

Henry:  _ Grow up. I’ll see you at midnight _

What did that mean? Was Alex supposed to respond? What did anyone even say to that? Would Henry change his mind if Alex texted back?

Deciding it was better to just not answer, Alex tried to decode the message. He wondered if the “grow up” was condescending or just teasing. Also, what did he mean by midnight? Where were they supposed to meet? Were they just going to chat or make out some more?

Alex realized it was only 10:00 in the morning and groaned at the long day ahead of him. He needed to get his mind off of Henry and their rendezvous if he was going to make it to midnight.

He made a list of things to do before the day ended. Hoping that it would keep the day from dragging on, he began the checklist.

His first to do was finish the book he was reading about Heraclitus. Alex was intrigued at first about the Greek philosopher’s writings on paradoxes. The saying “no man steps in the same river twice” stayed with Alex as he read. He reflected on how true that was. Each experience changed him and formed him into his present self, who was to evolve into a new version after the next experience. 

After tonight, he would not be the same Alex as he was now. He was not even the same Alex than he was yesterday when he texted Henry or was drinking with Nora.

Heraclitus wrote about how fire gave life to all things. This seemed to parallel his statements about how everything flows and is constantly changing. Henry was like that too. He changed his attitude at random and was always surprising Alex. Not to mention their kiss made him feel on fire and the memory was enough to warm him.

Realizing that thinking about philosophy only pulled him into thinking about Henry, Alex put down the book. All it did was make him overthink their texts and check the time.

Next Alex decided to practice on the piano. It had been a few days since he had practiced and playing around with music was always fun. It was easy to entertain himself by trying new variations of classic compositions. He liked changing pieces to match how he felt. 

He began playing a few warm up scales before transitioning to study different pieces. He played a few before zoning out. He just let his hands take control over where he was striking the keys. By this age, he had an idea of which combinations sounded the best and could do some improv. 

After a few minutes, Alex realized the notes he kept playing were from the piece he had last played for Henry. He stopped suddenly and pushed himself away from the instrument. 

He really just needed to clear his head. Even though he still felt like shit from the alcohol last night, he was forcing himself to go for a run. Alex went back up to his room and changed into athletic clothes. He debated for a moment but he selected to take his phone with him on the run for music.

Alex turned on an upbeat playlist and left the house in a jog. He first ran down his long driveway before heading in the direction of the nearby town. Intentionally, he jogged away from his secret spot by the river. He tried not to dwell on it as he passed the spot where he and Nora had gone skinny dipping.

He was thankful this pathway was so well covered by the trees as it kept some of the summer heat at bay. The weather today was still decently humid, but nothing Alex couldn’t deal with. After only a short while into his run, his shirt fabric became drenched in sweat and clung to him. He pushed through and kept running until his legs were begging for him to stop.

By the time he made it back home, he was panting and exhausted. He wanted nothing more than to shower and collapse back in bed. He stripped off his shirt before entering the house so that the air conditioning would cool him down easier. Alex walked over to the stairs where he came face to face with Henry.

Henry must’ve been on his way out or something, but instead of rushing away, he stopped to stare at Alex.

Alex watched a slight blush creep over Henry’s face. Finally, he said to Alex, “Your parents and I are about to eat lunch. Join us?”

All he could do was nod. He made it up the stairs before immediately grabbing a towel and taking a shower. He stole some of Henry’s shampoo since his own bottle was almost empty. It made Alex wonder if Henry would be able to tell later depending on how their rendezvous went. He carefully scrubbed himself down and made sure to get any of the grim that came with running outside on a nature trail off of him.

Alex changed into shorts and a t-shirt before heading downstairs. He found his mom, Leo, and Henry sitting out on the back porch. They had a terrace of lemonade and sandwiches in front of them. Henry was setting up an extra place setting, which Alex realized must’ve been for him. The image made him smile without realizing it.

He bit the inside of his cheek to smooth away his smile before he stepped out to meet them.

“Oh hi sugar, I’m so glad to see you’re feeling better after last night,” was how his mom greeted him.

Leo waved over and Alex walked to his seat. He was sure that Henry was looking at him but he couldn’t risk sneaking a look. He didn’t want to give anything away to Ellen or Leo nor do anything to change Henry’s mind. 

They dug into the food as Ellen and Leo took turns asking the boys questions about their plans for the day. Leo only made one or two teasing comments about Alex’s night yesterday. He tried to avoid looking at Henry but it felt impossible. At one point during the meal, he felt Henry’s shoe against his under the table, but he wasn’t sure if that was an accident or intentional. He felt his cheeks burning anyways and prayed no one commented.

After the meal ended, Henry mentioned that he needed to go into town to collect research materials. Ellen and Leo were heading off to their study. This left Alex to figure out the rest of his day. His phone blinked up at him saying it was only 1:14 PM, which was a long way until midnight.

He went up to tidy up his room, but he ended up napping for hours instead. When he woke up, it was almost dinner time. His mom had sent several messages mentioning that Raphael Luna was coming for dinner and that he was expected to be there. Alex had about thirty minutes left before he was to arrive so he ran around the room tidying up, pulled out the first clean outfit he found, and sprinted down the stairs.

“How can I help?” Alex asked as he walked in the kitchen. Leo was busy grilling up some steaks outside as Ellen was inside setting the table. 

“Would you mind grabbing the biscuits from the oven?” 

“Happy to,” Alex said as he strolled over to their oven. He pulled out the tray and let the biscuits sit for a minute before moving them into a basket. He was salivating at the food on the table and Leo hadn’t even brought in the steaks yet.

He noticed there were only four place settings out, which meant Henry wasn’t joining them tonight. He tried not to let disappointment wash over him since they’d be meeting up in just a few hours.

Raphael arrived and greeted them all with hugs. As one of their family’s closest friends, Raphael came around frequently for dinners. His presence was always welcome around them. Alex considered him more of an uncle than just a family friend.

They dug into the food and Raphael uncorked a wine bottle he had brought for them. With the conversation and wine flowing, Alex didn’t even notice the time passing. It struck him as odd that he hadn’t seen Henry arrive back yet. Soon, they were all begging Alex to play on the piano for them. He played a few classic songs as covers on the piano. At some point, Raphael graded a guitar and plucked away to match with Alex. He felt himself coming alive as if he were a famous musician playing in front of thousands of fans and not just two. At that moment, he distantly heard the front door open and then footsteps pounding up the stairs.

Henry had returned. He wasn’t planning on ignoring Alex again.

He felt his pulse speed knowing that Henry was hearing him play and began playing that same song Henry loved. He kept repeating parts of the song to let it go on and on. He saw the wall clock read 11:35 and was startled to see how little time he had left. 

He ended the song and told them all he was tired. He excused himself to his room after saying goodbye and goodnight to all of them. Alex tried not to panic as he attempted to think of what he would say to Henry. He had the entire day to prepare and had squandered it on procrastination. 

Alex wondered who he would be after tonight. He sat on the edge of his bed and wondered if Henry would just want to talk or if they’d do something more. Whatever ended up happening would change Alex forever. It was like the theory of Heraclitus - although he’d wake up in the same house tomorrow, he would not be the same Alex that he was now.

When his phone read 11:59, Alex started pacing in his room. They had not stated where they would meet. They did not discuss any plans other than “midnight”. Henry had made no attempt to find Alex, so did he still want to talk? 

Gathering up his courage, Alex opened the balcony doors. Their balconies connected and it allowed Alex to walk from his room directly towards Henry’s. The window to Henry’s room was already open as if he was waiting for Alex to arrive. As if he had predicted Alex would come this way. 

He looked around the room and watched Henry rise from the bed.

“You came,” Henry greeted him with.

“Of course I did.”

The moonlight made it just so that Alex could make out the conflicted look on Henry’s face. He heard a sense of nervousness in Henry’s voice as he replied, “I wasn’t sure. I heard you moving around in your room. When it grew silent, I thought you decided not to come.”

“Henry,” Alex whispered. He reached for the other boy’s hand. He wanted to convey his feelings for Henry even though he likely already knew them.

He moved closer to Henry and put his arms around him. A few seconds passed before Henry embraced Alex in his arms completely. They stood like that for a few moments and Alex just enjoyed the scent of Henry. It was a mix of clean linens and fresh grass. It was intoxicating honestly.

Alex shifted his head so that he could press a kiss into Henry’s collarbone. 

Henry whistered, “Alex” in his ear. The pleasure in his voice was present even in hushed tones. It made Alex’s toes curl up. He slid his hands up Henry’s shirt and felt the tense muscle underneath. 

He leaned up and kissed Henry’s neck whispering, “Relax, baby.”

Henry laughed a little before he moved his arms to cradle Alex’s face. Even in the moonlight, the look on Henry’s face was so intense it made him breathless.

Alex isn’t sure who started the kiss, but they were both completely into it. He shoved Henry into the nearby dresser as Henry was tugging him closer and closer. He wrapped one leg around Alex as if to pull him as close as possible. Alex had one arm gripping Henry close while his other hand worked to undo some of the buttons. Whatever was creating space between them he wanted gone. 

Henry pulled back for a moment and gasped a breath before saying, “I want you on the bed.”

The two moved together towards the bed, but it was Alex who eventually pushed Henry onto the bed. Henry looked up at him in a challenge before Alex climbed over to straddle his lap. 

Henry reached up to tug Alex into another bruising kiss. Every touch made Alex feel a spark. It was as if he was about to catch fire completely. Even though he’d been with girls before, none of them compared to how he felt with Henry. He’d probably never wanted anyone more if he was being perfectly honest with himself.

Soon, the clothes were off and being thrown about the room. Neither of them cared where they landed, just that they were out of the way. Henry flipped them so Alex’s back was being pressed into the mattress. Alex felt the other boy press kisses along his chest, over hips hip, and then moved his leg to kiss his inner thigh. The sensitive skin being touched over and over made Alex shiver. 

“Fuck. Baby,” Alex moaned. He started to let off a stream of curses when he felt Henry take him whole. It was almost enough to push him over the edge so after a few minutes, he tugged Henry up to kiss him.

They continued exploring each other’s bodies until Henry’s hands dipped a little close to Alex’s hole. Henry must’ve felt Alex still because he pulled back and moved away from Alex.

“Wait Henry, do you want?” Alex reached for him, but Henry didn’t move any closer yet.

Nodding, he said, “Yeah, do you?”

Alex paused for a moment before responding yes. He reached for Henry again only to be met halfway. Henry began working to open Alex up. All he wanted to do was enjoy this moment. He just wanted Henry as close to him as he could be. This is what he wanted.

Henry asked him if he felt okay. Alex reassured him. He heard Henry open a condom and then there was pressure at his opening. He moved his legs making it easier for Henry and felt him push in. Their hips rocked together and Alex felt as if he might explode. After this, being with anyone else would feel like a shadow in comparison. They were filled with a little desperation, and a ton of passion. 

After they had both finished, Henry cuddled Alex against him. He brushed a thumb over Alex’s cheek and said, “call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine.”

“Alex,” he said.

“Henry,” Henry repeated back to him.

The request itself made Alex feel as if they were intwined together now as if this was something only soulmates would do with one another. It made him feel as if Henry was more of himself than Alex was. The sensation made Alex feel as if he and Henry were a part of something larger and more beautiful than he’d ever be able to feel with anyone else. 

As he laid in Henry’s arms, he prayed to whoever would listen to never let this end. To never separate him from Henry. That even when he’d leave in a few weeks that they could work it out. Henry was the only one he wanted to talk to and touch like this. He was the only one who could see Alex for who he truly was. He let these thoughts play over and over before he drifted off into sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

Waking up in Henry’s arms should’ve felt as amazing as it had when he fell asleep. When Alex woke up though, something about being pressed against Henry’s naked body made his stomach churn. He took in the lube bottle on the nightstand and the dirtied sheets around them. It made him feel something a little too much like regret at what they had done.

As much as he thought he had wanted Henry, maybe Alex hadn’t been prepared for all of this. 

A sense of guilt and shame set in, which made it difficult to enjoy laying with Henry any longer. He tried to move away, but then Henry woke up. He must’ve sensed immediately that something was off about Alex because he asked, “Are you alright?” and shifted to give him room.

Briefly, he imagined telling Henry that this had all been a mistake. He wanted to tell Henry that he had been wrong and did not in fact want him in this way. However, Alex knew his mind was fickle. He easily could want Henry again in moments after this sensation passed.

He mumbled a “yeah” and tried to relax into Henry. 

Henry had been playing with Alex’s curls when he stopped suddenly and sat up. Alex looked over as he saw Henry studying him. He swore he saw pain hidden away amongst the concern on his face.

“Are you alright everywhere?” Henry asked. 

Alex nodded. He felt okay, but he was perhaps a little sore. He had no intentions to ride his bike later that day.

Henry offered him a small smile and leaned in to kiss Alex’s forehead. Alex moved away from him after and tried not to cringe. Unable to hide his reaction from Henry, Alex had to watch the concern and sadness wash through Henry’s expression.

“You’re not happy. I’m so sorry. . . We should’ve talked more.”

Alex tried to reassure him, but it sounded like a lie even to him as he said “No, it’s fine.” 

He tried to relax back into Henry’s arms. Even after feeling this ill over what he had done, Alex wasn’t sure he wouldn’t want to do it again in an hour. Some part of him was certain he still wanted Henry and that he didn’t regret it at all. The other part knew that he’d wanted Henry for a while and he still did even after last night. 

They rested another hour or so before Henry said, “Let’s go swimming.”

Alex felt a break from the bedroom would clear his thoughts. He walked back to his room to grab a suit. When he returned to Henry, the other boy was wearing a swim suit of Alex’s. It was perhaps a little shorter on Henry, but it looked good on him. Something about Henry wearing Alex’s clothes made him smile. No one would think it unusual either as his other friends sometimes borrowed clothes.

They walked down to the nearby river and got in. Alex got in almost immediately as if he could wash whatever was on him from last night off. As if it would make him clean again in some way. Even though it was supposed to clear his head, his mind was still at war over what to do. He watched Henry swim lazy strokes. The morning light glinting off of his hair made him look god-like. His strong body cut through the water with ease and made Alex want to feel every muscle on him. Alex watched him continue to move gracefully through the water before making slow movements towards him.

Henry must’ve noticed that Alex was coming and slowed his swimming down. He was now just floating on top of the water waiting. He switched to standing when Alex moved close enough.

“Hey,” Alex said quietly.

“Hello, love,” Henry whispered back.

Alex reached up to smooth back Henry’s wet hair. He gave Henry a quick peck and then reached for his hand. 

It was silent for a moment before Henry broke it by asking, “Are you going to hold last night against me?”

“No,” Alex admits too quickly. It comes out defensively and Alex swears he sees Henry flinch in response. “I don’t think I’ll be able to ride my bike today though.” Alex curses himself for blurting that out.

Henry frowns, “Because. . .”

It takes Alex a moment to realize Henry isn’t finishing that statement. “Yes, because.”

As they made their way out of the water, Alex realized he didn’t want to hold last night against Henry. He had wanted to do everything with Henry. Yes, they should’ve talked more, but it was undeniable that he desired Henry. Even if he had to contemplate what that desire meant, he couldn’t push Henry away just yet.

When they made it back to their rooms, Henry pulled him into his room and stopped him. He swiftly shut the door before telling Alex, “take off your swim trunks.” Alex wasn’t sure what Henry’s plans were, but he listened mostly out of curiosity. Within seconds, Henry’s mouth was on him. Any anxiety Alex felt over being naked in the daylight with Henry vanished as the sensation filled him with pleasure. 

Suddenly, Henry pulled back. He straightened up and said, “Good. We’ll save it for later.”

This was the first time Alex believed that there would be a later. That this “later” meant a promise of making out and fooling around together. Any thoughts of being done with Henry dissipated as his want for Henry returned in full force. 

After cleaning up, they ate breakfast together. Alex couldn’t stop thinking about how they’d been together just hours before. 

Henry announced he had to head into town to pick up more research materials. Alex waved once as he left. He stayed and cleaned up the kitchen. He made sure each dish was spotless before trekking back upstairs to his room. As he was about to walk past Henry’s room, he stopped dead. 

Imagines of last night’s affair flooded his mind. He couldn’t stop picturing Henry smiling and feeling safer than he ever had before. 

Despite what he said earlier, Alex ran to grab his bike and pedal furiously towards town in hopes that he would catch up with Henry. 

When he arrived, he hopped off his bike and walked over towards the building where Henry usually collects his research from. He only waited two minutes before Henry was coming out the entrance towards him.

He could tell the exact moment that Henry saw him. Henry hurried over towards Alex and said, “What are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to see you,” Alex explained in a rush. He felt his cheeks burning in embarrassment, which only worsened as Henry stood there in shock. 

“I’m sorry, I’ll go,” Alex said. He couldn’t stand to hear rejection from Henry after what they had done last night. He turned away and began walking his bike towards the path.

Henry caught up to him in a few steps.

“Hey,” Henry’s voice alone was enough to make Alex stop. He turned to face him and studied Henry’s face. There was something soft in his expression; there was no sign of hatred or disgust that Alex had seen weeks ago. “Don’t you know how glad I am that we slept together?”

“No,” Alex responded. It was barely a whisper. They had never really talked about what all this meant. 

“I’d kiss you here if I could,” Henry says in his ear. The desire rings clear through his voice and lights up something inside Alex that only makes him want. He’s tempted to demand they return to his room right now, but he instead forces distance between the two of them.

He can feel Henry following him down the road. When Henry catches up to him, he feels another hand slide into his just for a moment. 

He can feel himself smiling even after Henry pulls his hand away. “Come on, I wanted to go to the bookstore before we head back.”

Alex follows Henry across the town square and into the small shop. It was an independent bookstore that always had interesting finds in it. He watched Henry pursue the shelves. He liked how Henry cautiously studied everything - no volume too small or unimportant or too large and intimidating. He was curious about everything and made insightful comments on the store’s selection to Alex. Henry eventually made his way over to the philosophy section and picked out a few things to purchase. 

He waited for Henry to check out but as he was about to pay, Alex spotted a book a few shelves over. Two copies of  _ Armance _ sat there. The bright red cover drew him in. He had read the story a while ago after Nora had recommended it to him. Something about the story called back to him and inspired him suddenly. He picked up both copies and rushed back to the register. 

Henry had finished checking out and now was watching Alex with confusion clear on his face. Alex handed over his card to pay for both copies. 

He noticed a pen nearby and asked the cashier for it. Alex took the pen and stepped aside to inscribe something in the book. In careful handwriting he wrote, “Between always and never. For you in silence, somewhere in Texas in 2020.”

If Henry kept the book past this summer, Alex wanted him to read these words and think back to their time spent together. Perhaps he even wanted someone else to stumble across the book and ask Henry, “Who is in silence?” Henry would be forced to think back to this summer. To think of Alex. 

When they exited the store, Alex handed over the inscribed copy to Henry. Acting all polite, he tried to refuse and even offered Alex money for it. He scoffed and told Henry it was a gift.

Before hopping back on their bikes, Henry opened it up and read what Alex had left for him. Alex watched his face transform from curiosity to surprise. Alex felt himself blushing and wondered if he had been too bold. After all, they had spent one night together. Despite what they had said last night and this morning, Henry may not feel anything for him at all. 

Henry looked around them. He bent down and in a hushed tone asked, “Do you really like me that much?”

Alex wanted to respond smoothly “of course” or cooly with “obviously” but instead, he let it all slip. “Like you, Henry? I worship you.”

Now Alex watched as Henry blushed. A small smile formed at his mouth and he whispered, “This is the best gift I’ve had in years.”

Alex shrugged and reached out for his bike. They placed their books away and began peddling back to the house. They put their bikes to the side and lay out by the pool together. After a while, Alex hops in and gently splashes Henry until he gets in too. 

It’s the perfect afternoon. Alex knows it’ll likely lead to a night of hooking up. Never in his life had he felt so happy or content. Despite his uncertainty from this morning, he knew now that he wanted Henry. He wanted to keep enjoying what they had. Now, with Henry by his side, everything felt like it was clicking into place.

  
  
  



	9. Chapter 9

After swimming for a few hours, Alex retreated to his room for a nap. He had left Henry with his parents as they discussed Ellen’s research findings. Alex started by cleaning a shower and thought, not for the first time, about how he and Henry shared this space. He studied the lavender scented soap Henry had picked out for himself and tried using a little. 

When Henry left in a few short weeks, maybe he would ask him to leave the soap behind. He wanted something to remember him by after all. Or maybe Alex would just buy his own version and use them when he needed a reminder of this summer.

He left the bathroom tidy for Henry and went to his room. He pulled on some boxers and went to lay in bed. He pulled the sheet over his head and attempted to sleep. Alex slept for about twenty minutes before waking again. Slightly disoriented and still sleepy, he stared up at the ceiling wondering how he could will his body to fall asleep.

Another ten minutes passed and Alex reached for his worn out copy of  _ Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. _ The cracks in the book took him right towards the end where Harry and Hermione travel back in time to fix everything. The story sucks him in like it does every time.

He completely forgoes sleeping and is right up at the part where Harry has to say good-bye to Serius. Something about their good-bye this time makes his heart clench. 

Despite having read it a countless amount of times, he feels a tear leak out from his eye. 

It hits a little too close to home reading Harry lose another family member immediately after finding him. Harry had so few people in his life that could understand him and love him in that unconditional way only family could. Serius gave him hope that he had family besides the Dursleys. Unfortunately, circumstances prevented them from staying together and having read all of the books, Alex knew Harry was destined to lose Serius.

Here Alex is, having just started this relationship with Henry, only for him to go back to his real life in a few weeks. There, Henry was probably much busier and surrounded by smarter, funnier, and better people. He’d forget about Alex and they’d never talk again. 

For Alex, he would never forget Henry. If he was being honest, he would probably always want Henry. He intrigued Alex like no one ever had before. Alex knew he was a lot to handle, but Henry seemed to enjoy that. To Alex it seemed like few people could handle him as he truly was, but with Henry, it seemed that they just fit together perfectly. They had a rhythm about them that he’d never experienced with anyone else.

He thought about how he’d have to take Henry to the airport in a few weeks to say good-bye. As much as he hoped they reunite one day, that could very well be it for them. 

The thought made Alex break down a little. He desperately wished there was a way to grant them more time together. He needed more time to get to know the deeply complex person that Henry was. He also wanted to take Henry to all of his favorite places and show him the best parts of Texas. 

He put the book on the nightstand and placed his face in his hands as he tried to scrub away the tears. He heard the door creak open, but didn’t look up immediately. 

“Alex, your parents- Oh love, are you okay?”

Henry had come up from downstairs and was greeted with Alex crying. He felt embarrassed and pathetic to be already crying over Henry’s departure.

When Alex didn’t respond, Henry prompted him again by asking what was wrong. He felt Henry wrap a hand around his wrist as he gently tugged it away from Alex’s face. He finally met Henry’s eyes. 

“I’m fine,” Alex replied as he shook his head once. 

Henry must’ve noticed the book because he picked it up. He read the part where Alex had stopped on and pieced it together. 

Alex could tell that he did as Henry raised his eyebrows. When he pulled the book away, the concern had melted into a softer and more affectionate expression. 

“Trying to learn how to send me an owl after I leave? I believe texting is much quicker though.”

Alex tried to smile. He knew it was Henry trying to cheer him up. He continued with, “I should be easier to get in touch with than a wanted fugitive at least.”

Alex rolled his eyes, “I’m crazy aren’t I?”

“I wish everyone was as crazy as you.” Henry leaned in to kiss Alex’s forehead and slipped his hand into Alex’s. 

Without saying another word, Alex felt himself calming down. It was as if Henry had some spell over Alex where he could just calm him down. Henry’s presence was enough to provide comfort and support. 

“I just don’t want you to leave,” Alex admitted.

Henry nodded, “I’ll be back though. I promise.”

Henry moved and suddenly he was spooning Alex on that small bed. He whispered future plans that he wanted to do with Alex. He pressed kisses to Alex’s cheek, neck, and curls. With every passing second, Alex was beginning to believe him. Could he dare to hope that this was true? Could he open himself up to the idea that Henry might actually mean all of this? That this wasn’t the end of their relationship but the beginning?


	10. Chapter 10

The next day, Alex had been left to his own devices. Henry had told him last night that Ellen and Leo were taking him to interview some people for their research. They had wanted his help recording everything, so Alex had been left behind all day.

Perhaps the lack of people had left him in a grumpy mood. He tried to entertain himself. He walked around, went to his private spot on the river to read, made himself some food, and played piano. Nothing could hold his interest for long as he just wanted them all to get home. Especially Henry.

He decided to call up some of the guys and play soccer. At least it would keep him out and occupied. He headed over to the field for a game. With the huge group together for a pickup game, Alex finally lost track of time.

When he got back home, Ellen and Leo were back and unloading their bags. Henry was noticeably nowhere in sight. They stopped their unpacking to show Alex their pages of research. Ellen was excited over the breakthroughs they made today and Leo recounted the entire trip. Alex loved them, he did, but he just wanted to find Henry. 

He immediately fled upstairs only to be disappointed by an empty set of bedrooms. He forced himself to take a quick shower before he began his search again. He checked the attic, the study, the backyard, the basement, and the kitchen. 

Henry wasn’t here. Alex covered his face in frustration. He thought they were past this. It seemed like what they shared was special and something Henry had wanted to pursue. He hoped that Henry had just been picking up something they needed for dinner. However, when Ellen called him to the table, there were only three place settings set. Clearly Henry had the courtesy to tell his parents that he wasn’t going to be eating with them tonight. 

Alex just felt left in the dark. 

He picked at his food and tried to ignore the questioning looks his parents gave each other. 

Towards the end of their meal, Ellen set the dishes aside. She folded her hands in front of her and said, “Alex, there’s something we need to talk to you about.”

He felt his heart begin to race. They knew about Henry. Maybe they had kicked him out. Were they going to yell at him?

He tried to keep his demeanor calm as she continued, “We think the friendship you and Henry developed has been lovely. He’s been debating on going to Dallas a few days to explore. Leo and I want to treat you boys, so we booked a hotel room and you’ll go with him.”

Alex felt his mouth drop. A vacation with just Henry. It was too good to be true. He wanted to rush to tell him but opted not to ask his parents where Henry went. 

He went back up to his room and looked out from the second floor balcony. Something caught his eye - there was someone standing behind a tree. He locked his gaze onto the figure and the person shifted. Even though he could only see a bit of the man, he could tell it was Henry. 

He quietly crept down the stairs and out of the house. He made no effort to hide his footsteps as he walked towards Henry. When he was about ten feet away, he called out to him.

Henry turned his head slightly and Alex caught his whole profile. It looked beautiful under the moonlight. It perfectly illuminated some of his features and made Alex suck in a breath. He reached Henry’s hand once he was close enough. Grasping it lightly he asked, “What are you doing out here?”

“I come out here every night,” Henry explained.

Alex felt confusion wash over him. Could it really be true? All those nights he waited for Henry to come back or wondered what girl he was with when he could’ve just walked out here and found him. He heard himself say, “But I thought-”

“I know what you thought. It’s only ever been you Alex.”

“No one else?”

“No one else.”

Alex smiled. He wished he would’ve looked early. He wished he had more time with Henry. It was such a blessing they finally were together, but now they only had days left. 

“So what do you do out here all night?” Alex asked.

“Sit out here and think.”

“About?” 

“It’s private,” Henry said with a laugh. Alex knew it was in reference to when Henry had asked him a few weeks ago. He gave Henry a playful shove and waited for an answer.

“Okay, fine. About how beautiful the stars are here. How I don’t want to leave. You.”

Alex smiled, “No one else?”

“No one else.”

Henry bent his head down to kiss Alex’s forehead. It lasted for a moment before Alex pulled Henry’s lips down to his. It made him feel so safe and anchored.

“I wish we had more time,” Alex whispered when they broke apart.

“Me too, love.”

“Why didn’t you give me a sign? We wasted so much time,” Alex complained.

“I did! When we were playing soccer, I touched your back so that you knew I liked you. You seemed like you were disgusted with me so I backed off.”

Alex groans. He can’t believe he was so oblivious. If he had been honest with himself and Henry, they could’ve been enjoying whatever this relationship between them was for weeks instead of days.

“I’ve liked you the moment I first laid eyes on you that first day,” Henry says. And Alex believes him. Pieces of their time together finally form in his mind. What he had mistaken for disinterest was Henry trying to give him space. What he thought was a glare was really just Henry unable to take his eyes off of Alex. When he picked up the glass, he meant that he wanted to do more for Alex. When he asked if the knight spoke, he wanted to know if Alex was going to share his feelings.

“I have a confession to make,” Alex admitted. 

“Oh?” Henry questioned. Alex couldn’t tell exactly in this lighting but he imagined Henry raising an eyebrow at him. Giving him that face he makes whenever he’s curious about something.

“I made them pick you. I saw your application and told my parents they had to pick you. I didn’t know it, but I’ve liked you the whole time.”

Henry pulled Alex closer. He kissed Alex again. Alex told him he would be joining Henry on his trip to Dallas. They eventually went back inside the house to sleep in Henry’s room.


End file.
